As my nerves reached their apex, the clock reached those dreaded numbers. Taking one final look at the bottom right of my computer screen, I swallowed hard. You can do this. It may be hard but it only has to be done once. This time tomorrow you will be free or Alex and Penelope and all this bullshit forever. After turning off the computer, putting on my coat, and saying goodbye to my evermore familiar employees, I exited the building and made my way to my car.
It was still the afternoon but the weather was crisp and the wind made me glad that I bought the fantastic scarf that now nuzzled my neck. Hopefully it'll help shield any look of anxiety in my face too. Unlocking my car door, I slid into the car and readied myself for the drive. You can do this. You've had enough pep-talks. It's time to just bite the bullet and get this over with. Stop being so damn nervous! So what if Penelope's there? Besides being an oversized distraction, she shouldn't cause any problems.
I caught myself watching the people that were coming and going from the building. So many I didn't yet know, but less than there had been. I felt more in sync with things. I felt more in charge. No matter how this meeting with Alex went, things were changing for the better and that was a reason to hold my head high. Just as a wave of confidence swept over me, I caught a glimpse of one of the people entering the building. A tall, statuesque black woman, one of the most beautiful I've ever seen. "TruPaul?" I asked confused. Blinking, I lost sight of the enigma. Shaking it off as more nerves and stress, I started the car.
Pulling out of the parking lot and onto the freeway, everything felt calm. I may have been seeing things, but the TruPaul look-a-like and/or specter that entered my building as I departed had steadied my thoughts. I was calm. Thanks TruPaul look-a-like and/or specter. You may be a bitch, but you're an all right bitch. Laughing to myself at the ridiculousness of the situation I found myself in, I turned on the radio.
Thirty seconds into looking for something to listen to, I came to the conclusion that modern popular music had been dead for at least 10 years. "Fuck you, radio," I said out loud. Popping in a CD I had made, inspired by the song Cassie had sent me, I was feeling more and more confident. Was I actually over him? The feeling manifested in me during our brief phone call only added to my sureness. Anxiety began to turn into excitement. I was going to get my shoes back! Not only my shoes, but everything! And most importantly, I'd be losing two of the heaviest and least desirable things my mind possessed. I cranked up the music.
As I sang loudly and proudly to a song I didn't know in a language I didn't understand, I felt alive. It was just like the feeling I had in my dream! As my heart thumped along to the beat, I felt almost as if I was in my dream. The traffic wasn't nearly as thick as it had been the previous day during the lunch rush and there were no cops in sight. As the feet in my mind tapped to the rhythm, my actual foot tapped the acceleration. The highway was my own personal autobahn! Unfortunately, like a quickly thrown together mixed CD of fast and dancey Korean music, feelings like this don't last forever. And, in pulling into Luna Avenue and seeing that house again, all of my feelings of excitement and dream-nostalgia were reverted to all too familiar anxiousness.
I stopped the car, parking it in the same spot I had during my dream B&E, and killed the ignition, along with the peppy Koreans. Ooooooh, fuck. Following the first expletive with a cavalcade of its brethren, I rested my forehead on the steering wheel. I thought back to the summer when I had my tonsils removed. I had been ready the entire two weeks prior to the operation. I would tell anyone who would listen that I was getting my tonsils out and I wasn't scared at all; that I was a big kid who wasn't afraid of doctors or operations; that all I cared about was getting all the ice cream I could eat after. Cut to the day of, with me kicking and screaming for my mother, biting the doctor and doing anything I could to get out of being put under. If TruPaul had been in the passenger's seat of my Audi, she would have been hearing a similar shtick.
Do you really need those shoes, Stella? Not having them will just give you a reason to shop for more! You need to start reading your files anyway. What if this meeting takes longer than you expect and you get behind on everything? The walls aren't going to give themselves a second coat! But, just as I no longer had my tonsils, I knew it was time to no longer have my Alex. Because just as the tonsils weren't mine anymore, neither was he. Touching up my face and fixing my hair while simultaneously hoping that the wind had died down, I took a final look at myself in the rear-view mirror. "This is it, Stella. Are you ready?" I answered myself with a yes and a wink of encouragement and, with a one final deep breath, I exited the car.
As if hearing my pleas, the wind had ceased its blowing, and as a result it didn't feel as cold. Feeling more elegant and courageous without the Great Wall of Cashmere around my neck, I strode up the walk to their door. Their door. Had I said it that way before? Not my door. Not our door. Their door. Brimming with pride in seeing my ability to let go increase in leaps and bounds, I rang the doorbell.
Just talk it out. Find out why he left, let him know that you've let go and are trying to move on with your life emotionally and in business, get your stuff back, and get the fuck out of there. I keep repeating the plan to myself over and over. Hi, Alex. It's good to see you. May I come in? Thank you. Listen, I know it's been a really weird and rough time, but I thought it was time to sit down and get things settled once and for all. Alright, you've got this. One hour tops and you'll be free and clear forever. This shouldn't be bad. Just stick to the plan and everything will be fine. The door opened. "Oh! You must be Stella. We've been expecting you! Alex went out to get me a pint of Ben & Jerry's but he should be back in just a few minutes. Please, come in and get out of the cold! Just watch the belly, ha ha. I know it's hard to miss!" So much for the fucking plan.
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