A Short and Various List of Perfectly Good Reasons to Bring a British Ginger To A Ball:
1. British gingers are attractive in a way that only British gingers can be attractive. #goaheadandstarebitches (People stare.)
2. Listening to a British ginger talk is pretty much the same as listening to Adonis himself. (Adonis told me I looked beautiful. “No one else could pull off that dress, you know? You’re so lovely.” )
2. Listening to a British ginger talk is pretty much the same as listening to Adonis himself. (Adonis told me I looked beautiful. “No one else could pull off that dress, you know? You’re so lovely.” )
3. British Gingers are polite when they’re drunk. They also say “Cheers!” a lot. (He kept opening doors for me, too. “This way, my love.” OMG, no he didn’t just call me “love”. But yes. He did. Yes, he did. MULTIPLE. TIMES.)
4. British gingers catch you when you fall. (“I’ve got you, love! No need to worry.” #iwouldhavealmostfaintedifiwasn’talreadyfalling)
As I was defying gravity, all I could think about was that only in a dream would the journal land right at his feet. Right at Alex’s overlarge freakin’ feet. Oh god, I’m totally falling. I’m totally falling and I’m going to land right in front of his feet, too. But, before I could face plant into the red carpet, Charlie saved me.
As I was defying gravity, all I could think about was that only in a dream would the journal land right at his feet. Right at Alex’s overlarge freakin’ feet. Oh god, I’m totally falling. I’m totally falling and I’m going to land right in front of his feet, too. But, before I could face plant into the red carpet, Charlie saved me.
“I’ve got you, love! No need to worry,” he said, catching a glimpse of the terrified look on my face. All I had the power to do was stand, frozen and rooted to the ground, as Charlie bounced around trying to pick up all of my belongings. It took him quite longer than you would’ve guessed—Did all of that really come from my bag? I mean honestly, it’s not that big. It’s just a clutch. Maybe it’s dream clutch, though, with a bottomless end. The room was still silent as my coworkers watched Charlie gather my things and stuff them back into my Michael Kors. He seemed to be having some trouble closing the latch. Bless him.
After what seemed like several minutes worth of arduous work, Charlie offered me my clutch. “Here you are, dear. Are you alright? That was quite the tumble,” he said, his too-perfect-to-be-real eyes staring into mine.
Stella, do not reply. Do not open your mouth. If you do, drool WILL drip out. I stared back, unsure of how to handle this awkward situation that only I knew about, deciding to just nod in reply to his question.
My nod must not have been convincing because Charlie’s eyes filled with concern and he said, “Stella love, are you sure you’re okay? I thought I caught you before you could hurt yourself, but are you hurt or something? Did you just give yourself a fright?”
Taking a chance I said, “I’m okay, thank you. I can’t believe you caught me. You’re amazing.” Yes! #nodrool. In an attempt to ease the silence and tension throughout the room, I turned away from him to address my colleagues.
“Well, that was quite that entrance now, wasn’t it?” I said as loudly as I could. My voice is shaking. Shit. Calm down. Calm down.
Stella, do not reply. Do not open your mouth. If you do, drool WILL drip out. I stared back, unsure of how to handle this awkward situation that only I knew about, deciding to just nod in reply to his question.
My nod must not have been convincing because Charlie’s eyes filled with concern and he said, “Stella love, are you sure you’re okay? I thought I caught you before you could hurt yourself, but are you hurt or something? Did you just give yourself a fright?”
Taking a chance I said, “I’m okay, thank you. I can’t believe you caught me. You’re amazing.” Yes! #nodrool. In an attempt to ease the silence and tension throughout the room, I turned away from him to address my colleagues.
“Well, that was quite that entrance now, wasn’t it?” I said as loudly as I could. My voice is shaking. Shit. Calm down. Calm down.
“Thank you all so much for coming! I hope everyone is having a wonderful evening so far. If you haven’t already, be sure to put your dinner order in within the next few minutes, as it will be served very shortly. You’re all in for a real treat. Let’s have a round of applause for our lovely caterers, Julia and Millie Thomas, who’ve come all the way from Chicago to cook for us on this beautiful occasion. Now, enjoy your evening and help yourselves to some champagne!” Okay. That wasn’t so bad. That wasn’t terrible. I think I sounded cheery.
Chatter stared to fill the room again, and I became momentarily relived. Only momentarily, though, because I saw Alex walking towards me, Penelope at his heels. This. Is. Not. Going. According. To. Plan. I turned on the spot, heading for the deserted entryway in order to avoid an audience. After all, this could get ugly. Real ugly. Alex thought I was trying to escape though, and shouted, “Stella! Stella! Where are you going? Hey! Get back here. Get back here right now!” His tone was harsh, and anyone who knew him at all could tell that he was livid. The way he was speaking to me must not have been okay with Charlie, though.
“Excuse me, who do you think you are? That’s my date you’re shouting at, and I do not appreciate your tone. Lower your voice, won’t you?” Charlie said, sounding severe and somewhat threatening. Ohmygod. This is not happening. #marrymemarrymemarrymemarryme
“I’ll speak to her however I want because she has something that she shouldn’t have. What did you do Stella, break into my house?” Well, yes.
“Good lord, you’re quite rude, aren’t you? Stella, who— ” Charlie was interrupted by the cow before he could finish his statement.
“Baby, the butter knife! Remember, I told you that I found a butter knife on the floor in the office?” Penelope said, sounding overly delighted with herself. Why doesn’t she look like a cow in that dress? Really? She’s supposed to look like a cow.
“Penny, she couldn’t have broken into the house with a butter knife, I’m sure she used the spare key.” Ten points to the super-hot genius with the kind-of-a-cow pregnant date in tow!
“Well, she couldn’t have broken into the house with the butter knife, but she could have broken into the third drawer in your office desk with the butter knife,” I said, suddenly finding courage from god knows where. “What the hell, Alex? What does that stuff mean? Tell me, now. Or I’m going to report you to the police for what I think you’ve done.” Can you turn someone in to the cops in a dream?
“Stella, you had no right to break into my house. You—” he started.
OH NO HE DIDN’T. His house? HIS HOUSE? I don’t think so!
“YOU’RE HOUSE? YOU’RE HOUSE? Are you kidding me right now? That house is every bit as much mine as it is yours. That house still has the paintings that we bought on our trip to Milan, the lamp from our vacation in Switzerland, and the grandfather clock from that little shop in Paris. That house is NOT yours and it definitely isn’t Mrs. Cow’s either. You didn’t even change anything. Everything still looks the same. You—”
“Do not call her a cow, Stella. Don’t bring her into this. This has nothing to do with her. Now, tell me why you stole that journal and give it back to me now before I call the cops and have you arrested for breaking—”
“And entering into my own house? Oh my, I’m sure they’d put me away. I’m sure I’d get ten years to life or something. Not many people have the nerve to break into their own house!” All of the hatred I had for him was resurfacing, and I couldn’t control myself no matter how hard I tried.
Charlie and Penelope were both standing off to the side, looking dumbstruck and confused. I felt so bad for Charlie. He didn't deserve to be caught up in the middle of this. How awkward this must be for them. They both have no idea what’s going on, which is somewhat surprising. I would’ve thought that Cassie would’ve told Charlie my ex and his new lover would be here, and that Alex would’ve told Penelope all about whatever was in the journal. He must have really done something bad. Asshole.
“Tell me what you did! Now, Alex! You’ve already ruined my life—are you trying to ruin my company now, too? Who the hell are you and what did you do with the person I knew and loved for seven years?” I asked, starting to tear up, but doing everything in the world to stop myself. No, no, no. I worked so hard on this face.
Chatter stared to fill the room again, and I became momentarily relived. Only momentarily, though, because I saw Alex walking towards me, Penelope at his heels. This. Is. Not. Going. According. To. Plan. I turned on the spot, heading for the deserted entryway in order to avoid an audience. After all, this could get ugly. Real ugly. Alex thought I was trying to escape though, and shouted, “Stella! Stella! Where are you going? Hey! Get back here. Get back here right now!” His tone was harsh, and anyone who knew him at all could tell that he was livid. The way he was speaking to me must not have been okay with Charlie, though.
“Excuse me, who do you think you are? That’s my date you’re shouting at, and I do not appreciate your tone. Lower your voice, won’t you?” Charlie said, sounding severe and somewhat threatening. Ohmygod. This is not happening. #marrymemarrymemarrymemarryme
“I’ll speak to her however I want because she has something that she shouldn’t have. What did you do Stella, break into my house?” Well, yes.
“Good lord, you’re quite rude, aren’t you? Stella, who— ” Charlie was interrupted by the cow before he could finish his statement.
“Baby, the butter knife! Remember, I told you that I found a butter knife on the floor in the office?” Penelope said, sounding overly delighted with herself. Why doesn’t she look like a cow in that dress? Really? She’s supposed to look like a cow.
“Penny, she couldn’t have broken into the house with a butter knife, I’m sure she used the spare key.” Ten points to the super-hot genius with the kind-of-a-cow pregnant date in tow!
“Well, she couldn’t have broken into the house with the butter knife, but she could have broken into the third drawer in your office desk with the butter knife,” I said, suddenly finding courage from god knows where. “What the hell, Alex? What does that stuff mean? Tell me, now. Or I’m going to report you to the police for what I think you’ve done.” Can you turn someone in to the cops in a dream?
“Stella, you had no right to break into my house. You—” he started.
OH NO HE DIDN’T. His house? HIS HOUSE? I don’t think so!
“YOU’RE HOUSE? YOU’RE HOUSE? Are you kidding me right now? That house is every bit as much mine as it is yours. That house still has the paintings that we bought on our trip to Milan, the lamp from our vacation in Switzerland, and the grandfather clock from that little shop in Paris. That house is NOT yours and it definitely isn’t Mrs. Cow’s either. You didn’t even change anything. Everything still looks the same. You—”
“Do not call her a cow, Stella. Don’t bring her into this. This has nothing to do with her. Now, tell me why you stole that journal and give it back to me now before I call the cops and have you arrested for breaking—”
“And entering into my own house? Oh my, I’m sure they’d put me away. I’m sure I’d get ten years to life or something. Not many people have the nerve to break into their own house!” All of the hatred I had for him was resurfacing, and I couldn’t control myself no matter how hard I tried.
Charlie and Penelope were both standing off to the side, looking dumbstruck and confused. I felt so bad for Charlie. He didn't deserve to be caught up in the middle of this. How awkward this must be for them. They both have no idea what’s going on, which is somewhat surprising. I would’ve thought that Cassie would’ve told Charlie my ex and his new lover would be here, and that Alex would’ve told Penelope all about whatever was in the journal. He must have really done something bad. Asshole.
“Tell me what you did! Now, Alex! You’ve already ruined my life—are you trying to ruin my company now, too? Who the hell are you and what did you do with the person I knew and loved for seven years?” I asked, starting to tear up, but doing everything in the world to stop myself. No, no, no. I worked so hard on this face.
“You know what, you’re right. I’m just an awful terrible person who’s out to get you and ruin everything for you. Really, Stell? Really? Did you ever think that maybe I didn’t leave you for her? Because I didn’t,” Alex said, in a voice that sounded like it might break any moment.
He took a breath and said, “I didn’t even know her until after we were broken up. That isn’t even my child she’s carrying. Did you ever think that maybe I left you because it was the only thing I thought was right? That maybe I didn't want to leave, but had no other choice. Obviously not. Why don’t you just go to hell, okay? You’re not the same person I knew either," he said, staring into my eyes for the first time in months. It looked like this way something that was genuinely hard for him to do. He seemed very upset. I can't feel bad for him, though. He never felt bad for me. Never!
"If you’re just dying to know what this journal is hiding from you, then I’ll tell you. Go to lab one, and once you’re inside look on the wall for another security box that’s connected to computer Z. Type in 0907 and you’ll get what you want. You don’t have anyone to blame but yourself for what you’re going to find there, because everyone else was only trying to keep it from you. You didn't need to know, you didn't need to know...” he said, looking down and shaking his head.
“No one ever wanted to hurt you, Stella. I, I… I never wanted to hurt you,” he said, walking away with tears filling his eyes. He never cries.
He took a breath and said, “I didn’t even know her until after we were broken up. That isn’t even my child she’s carrying. Did you ever think that maybe I left you because it was the only thing I thought was right? That maybe I didn't want to leave, but had no other choice. Obviously not. Why don’t you just go to hell, okay? You’re not the same person I knew either," he said, staring into my eyes for the first time in months. It looked like this way something that was genuinely hard for him to do. He seemed very upset. I can't feel bad for him, though. He never felt bad for me. Never!
"If you’re just dying to know what this journal is hiding from you, then I’ll tell you. Go to lab one, and once you’re inside look on the wall for another security box that’s connected to computer Z. Type in 0907 and you’ll get what you want. You don’t have anyone to blame but yourself for what you’re going to find there, because everyone else was only trying to keep it from you. You didn't need to know, you didn't need to know...” he said, looking down and shaking his head.
“No one ever wanted to hurt you, Stella. I, I… I never wanted to hurt you,” he said, walking away with tears filling his eyes. He never cries.
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